This Thing Called Time

Yesterday I had a very meaningful conversation with my good friend who lives in Spain. Most times I haven’t a clue with all the psychology stuff she says to me- it goes over my head.  We have talked forever about my childhood, past, fears and inhibitions but in one simple sentence it clicked..  “You don’t think you are good enough to be loved”.

                I don’t know why this was like an a-ha moment.  It just resonated with me at that very moment she said it. Subconsciously I know I need to turn the page if I am ever going to start a new chapter. I guess it is always easier to stay in the know even though it can tear at you. Despite it being soul crushing, you are familiar with the negative thoughts about yourself. At least you know you have been used to.  Whenever your fear sets in you can always guarantee to self sabotage yourself like my other friend in Thailand reminds me when I am about to do that.

                This weekend I took the opportunity to literally purge what didn’t belong in my apartment anymore. At one point the place looked like a disaster with items from one room being moved back and forth from room to room.  While doing this, I had a conversation with a family member talking about the one relationship that affected me most negatively and how I was projecting what happened in that relationship onto my fears with moving on.  I allowed myself the cry for the past.  Then I kicked it up in high gear and got rid of stuff that was not serving me-both literally and emotionally.

                This was a cathartic experience. I feel light, hopeful, a little nervous but overall happy. I thought my last experience broke me and although it felt that way, I am going to think about it as slight detour in the hopes for a beautiful destination. I am thankful that relationship didn’t work out. 

The other day I wished to see you in my dreams and said I would wait for you. You showed up. I dreamt that someone was carrying your suitcase with the vinyl records that you gave me.  We took that suitcase from your apartment when they cleaned it out. I am trying to find out where your final resting place is so I can come see you and tell you all about Jack.

                When I look up the meaning of suitcase and vinyl records, both represent a change or new start. Dreams about vinyl records also symbolize a closer connection with someone. This warms my soul.  In the last few weeks albeit small, some shifts have started to occur both individually and with Jack.  I walk lighter these days. My prayer intentions have a new meaning. It feels soul filling.

                I’ve let go of people who serve no purpose and search for meaningful experiences. Today I witnessed the depth of love someone has for a spouse who has been departed for over 30 years. Some love runs deep despite the time frame.  In the afternoon, I was amazed at how life added another layer of experience to a woman I considered a sage.  I imagined myself in her experience as I listened to how she maneuvered through her new life with bonus kids.  I see these experiences as a softening of my heart.                 I also absolved myself from my past mistakes. I am ready to give love and accept love that the universe is ready to send my way. Tonight, I will thank God for sending a sign. You in my dreams signaling change.  I wish you were here to see this change.

Last year time like this I believe you were preparing for your transition. August 2021 was the most profound month of my life.  It was during this time that my views on love and relationships changed. Little did I know what a year later would bring.

                You asked me if I was happy.  I told you that I was, and you said to me I was still young to meet someone and have a little family. You said life was not meant to be alone. The past couple of years I lived on autopilot putting up walls.  A few days later, we sang to each other and I cried my eyes out. I’ve never done that with anyone. You and I had a way to communicate without words. On your last night, you somehow told me, that this was the last time I would see you.  As much as I would miss seeing you, a peacefulness washed over me because in my heart I knew you would finally be free. Free from the prison of your motionless body.  Your heart and spirit couldn’t settle with that. Others couldn’t make peace with you but I had no regrets where you and I were concerned when I heard you passed. I think you taught me this.

I wish I could talk to you one more time. So you could give me some advice. So I could share with you what I am feeling. Maybe so I can release everything inside of me.  I know that you are shaking shit up there. I know that you brought Jack back into my life. I don’t know his purpose. I didn’t expect to meet up with him and have old feelings resurface. I am not sure what happened but we are not on the same page. But he made me feel again and I want more. More may not be possible. 

I wish I could talk to you one more time so you I can get a guy’s perspective and ask you why did you send him back?  I wish I could talk to you one more time so I could tell you that you were right. Life isn’t meant to be alone.  I hope I will see you in my dreams soon so you can tell me about this.  I’ll be waiting for you.

Dear Younger Emma,

                Be brave and take those chances. Those experiences you will come across is what will get you through life.  You will make mistakes and that’s ok. This will help you grow. It will teach you perseverance and trust within yourself.  Don’t always look to know the outcome right away or you will miss the adventure along the way. I know this is hard to believe but it will always work out in the end.

                There will be times you will be faced with making a decision. You will wonder if making the popular decision to please others will be easier. It won’t, if you don’t stay true to yourself. You will make some bad decisions but learn from them. Don’t beat yourself up. Repeat- DON’T beat yourself up. Learn the lesson and move on.

                Travel the world, Emma. See new places so you will always find your way home. Home is not a building but where your heart is with the people you love. Respect yourself so you know what you deserve and are willing to accept from anyone.

                When it comes to him and the opportunity presents itself, always always be brave and take the chance on that Brooklyn boy.  He will be the one that reminds you what you are made of and when you are not feeling confident, something he says or does will ignite that spirit in you.  He will also turn out to be the most honest man and respect you for your choices despite all his faults.

Love,

Older Wiser Emma

The other day someone said to me look at all that happened this past month. A month ago, did you think you would have experienced and accomplished all that you did? You cannot underestimate the good things one person can bring to your life, even if you do not get what your heart desires. Sometimes people serve as a catalyst for wonderful things to come. I became committed to living a healthier lifestyle. I joined the gym and hired a trainer. Oddly enough when something in my day does not go right, I crave the gym.  I have not worked out in 10 years!! The trainer is more insurance for me. Aside from holding me accountable, I am hoping having a trainer will avoid me from hurting myself because I do not know what I am doing lol.

                Aside from the confidence, I had a summer of no regrets where a situation is concerned and spoke my truth. In my last long-term relationship, my self-esteem plummeted, and I went into hibernation. That was my way of healing. In looking back, I honestly do not know how I made it through that. It was an exceptionally lengthy process.

                Today I am more confident in asserting myself in what I deserve. I spoke my truth even though I might have shown my vulnerability. I can honestly say I do not feel embarrassed. My situation may never work in my favor, but I am ok with that, for if I accepted the alternative, it may have crushed my soul and put me back into hibernation.

                I was talking to someone and referred to myself as a free bird. Free to roam wherever I want with whomever. My friend said to me “Free bird, you need a branch that is all yours to rest on. Some trees do not have branches.”  So, with that, this free bird will continue to fly in search of branch to call my own.  

The night was perfect. The breeze was the right type of cool. I agreed to meet Jack for dinner. We visited the old neighborhood where we met 30 years ago. I remember being so nervous. I made my way into the restaurant and down to the basement where he was waiting for me. When I first saw him, time stood still. Although we are much older, he was the same guy I met in college. Only more handsome. A silver fox.

                We instantly started laughing and our connection was rekindled.  It was like no time has passed.  At some point during the night, he reached from under the table to hold my hand. I love when Jack reaches for my hand. After he paid the bill, he asked if I wanted to walk around the old neighborhood.  Some things remain the same and some things have changed. We talked about being interested in one another in college. I told him he wasn’t interested in me and he told me I was indifferent. Whatever I said. 

                After our walk, I let him drive me home where he held my hand the entire way. He wanted to meet up again, so I agreed to meet for brunch on Sunday.  I’ve learned that Jack connects with me by holding my hand. While waiting for the bill, he hooked his pinky onto mine.  As we were walking back to the car, it was so natural for him to grab my hand.   

                My time with him that weekend did something to me emotionally.  I’m scared about the feelings that have resurfaced but I find myself wanting to explore it with him despite everything.  My motto this year is take the risk and have no regrets.  Within reason of course.   I’ve spent my entire life taking the “safe” path.  Safe both mentally and emotionally.  He has awakened something in me. The spirit that I buried many years ago.

                I don’t want to have any regrets where Jack is concerned. What is more surprising is the desire to take the risk despite it being an unconventional path.  One that is above and beyond what my simple needs and wants could handle.  Maybe this moment is the only one we will get. So, I will live in the now while I battle the what if’s in my head. I would not trade this “now” with him for anything else.

I met Jack during college orientation the summer of 1993. I always chuckled at the saying love at first sight but in retrospect I will always remember feeling the electricity when he walked in the room and introduced himself.  In my head, I thought “who is this?” I couldn’t help but follow him with my eyes. At the time I thought he was way out of my league. I was inexperienced and from a strict family.

                When the semester started, we ended up being chemistry lab partners. I think that is where we started to get to know each other.  We always had a nice banter, some friendly threats and some periods where we didn’t talk.  He was the one I wanted to be with but never got the chance to do so for many reasons.

                During our 4 years we met up a few times to grab a meal.  He even came over to my house for a party. I remember that day I was so excited that my aunt said to me “Geez, you are in love.”  He was the first guy I ever slow danced with. When “Said I Love You, But I Lied” by Michael Bolton came on, he asked me to dance. I’ve been through marriage, divorce, another broken engagement etc but to this day when that song comes on it takes me back to that night in my living room with family around where we danced. I remember him saying to me that my mom was looking at us through the stairwell. As I write this blog entry, the song comes up on my playlist lol.

                We graduated college without ever exploring what I learned many years later was a mutual attraction.  I didn’t find out about that until a few years later after I got divorced and we reconnected for a brief period. That time also never resulted in anything but a few memorable moments we shared. He said I wasn’t warm and fuzzy. Truth be told my emotions were all over the place. We moved on with other people.  From time to time, I would wonder what ever happened to Jack.

                Jack re-entered my life a few weeks ago. He is divorced but not exactly in the same playing field as I am.  I think he is still maneuvering through his healing process which everyone needs to go through.  The thing about time. No matter how many years it has been, it is like time hasn’t passed.  As in Jack fashion, each time he enters my life, it is like an electric shock and all the feelings resurface. I don’t know what all of this means but the chemistry/connection that existed between us when were we college kids has not disappeared.  I guess only time will tell. That’s the thing about time.