This Thing Called Time

     

                Ten years ago if you told me that I wouldn’t be over Bubba, I’d say you were lying.  I mean we went to hell and back and back to hell.  He went on to another relationship. And yet 10 years later he is still in the same place he was. I don’t mean stature wise but emotionally and mentally. I was blamed for the failure of our relationship. I stressed him out, caused his issues etc.  Now that he is with Flo, she too feels he is a handful.  I didn’t expect it or want it. I mean after all these years, I am in a better place. But he apologized. I did too for not being what he needed or for being my best.

                He seems to have found an old long lost best friend and I seem to have met an annoying in a funny way neighbor.  His excitement in this made me chuckle. I found towards the end of the catch up conversation that I was yawning.  At that moment, I realized that I had outgrown him.  All these years I held onto to what I thought was some form of a model that I was looking for or to compare to. I think I made myself a martyr over this. Yet now I am his model he compares to when it comes to Flo.

                Someone told me to open my heart today and I woke up with a conscious effort to do so. As I sat in a meeting, I also realized that I wasn’t focused to the outcome of my work situation. I feel that some things are not within my control but what I can control is how I prepare myself for what’s next. Recognizing when I no longer fit at the table, taking a leap of faith, being authentic.

                10 years ago feels very small, very dark.  Today feels great though..

It was a snowy day this day 5 years ago when a miracle worker saved my life. I knew that my life in some way would be altered but didn’t quite understand exactly how. There is risk in everything, but I don’t think it hit me until that day when I walked into the OR alone after hugging my family.  The last thing I heard was my surgeon say something about needing a drill. Then it all went pitch dark.

I woke up wanting to throw up and my Dad had the only look of worry.  It wasn’t until I said “hi Dad” that everyone saying “thank God” made sense.  I came to find out I was taking a long time recognizing him.  What occurred on that day and walking away without any major complications changed my life. I no longer complained about the things I couldn’t do because what I could do was a miracle. So I take a little longer, my brain get taxed more easily, and I had to learn how to modify day to day things I took for granted.

There were times when I became impatient with myself, upset that I had so many physical restrictions. Coupled with fear and anxiety that I may just break something that was fixed.  I think even when the restrictions were lifted out of abundance of caution, I still applied them.  As I emerged almost 2 years later finally feeling a sense of relief, the world changed. It was a physical reset for me. What I thought was finally progressed had a slight detour.

I say this not to complain but to say time determines everything. It defines the who, what, where, how and why.  For some we question why things happen or don’t happen.  I told my friend today, when you think you can’t see your way through, God’s timing is everything. He delivers at the right time even if it’s not the outcome you hoped for.  Because even in that there is a lesson to be learned.  It tests your limits, your line in the sand, what you know you will and won’t do.  As cliché as this sounds, when you don’t attach it to an outcome it is only then you can see how you really do have control of the situation.  That’s because you are thinking about options rather than “exerting” control thinking you have the outcome.

Every year around this time when I think of the snowy day my family and I walked in the snow, everyone quiet with their own unsaid fear, I remind myself how far my journey came.  Never did I think 5 years later my outlook on things would be different or my faith in time would be restored.  I learned not to question time anymore because when you do you wish for that time back. It is a constant work in progress for me. I had a miracle worker that day. She gave me the gift of time.

Up on a hill there you were. I drove all over to find you saying “where are you old man?”.  Then out of nowhere I saw the hill and Sir Miles Davis was there to greet me. Geez how was I going to get there. There weren’t signs clearly stating Hillcrest.   I used to pride myself and say I had no sense of direction.  Well direction kicked in and I followed the natural path uphill. 

It took me some time walking around looking at all the niches and then when I turned the corner there you were. Smacked me right in the face. I complained that they put you in the back.   When I think back to today, I knew when you shook head no-that tomorrow would never come for you. Thank you for the last year. Today when I saw you, I felt the biggest release and sense of calmness. I hope you felt that I did right by you when you were alive.  Like Nat King Cole says “Unforgettable. In every way.  And forever more. That’s how you’ll stay.”

Fly high on that hill and when you see the moon send me fairy dust.

I used to have this tradition to journal every New Year’s Eve to capture what happened in the year as well as my hopes and dreams for the upcoming one. Ironically this started the year that Jack came to my parents’ NYE party 28 years ago.  Over the years my NYE journaling waxed and waned depending on where I was in life.  This year I made it a point to re-read those journals and it would be amiss if I didn’t capture the year that will probably be the most defining one of my life.

2022. The year that I experienced the most personal and spiritual growth.  Last year on December 30^th, my uncle passed away.  I’ve blogged about him and the connection we had a few times. Although we have had our challenges, it was through him that my perspective transformed. I would also like to think that my time with him last year taught me about forgiveness and how at the end of it all everyone’s goal is to do right and make things right with the things that you have wronged.  It was an experience that took me out of my element completely. I think I also became softer in my approach to certain things.

Every experience that happened to me this past year was no coincidence and probably due to the winks of my uncle.  This year I recognized low vibration energy in people and how it didn’t serve me.  I started to surround myself with people whose energy I wanted around me.  Once I did that, things just manifested for me.  Jack came back into my life for a reason.  I spent most of my college career writing about Jack.  In retrospect, there has always been a connection between him and I.  Even back then he verbalized to me that he thinks I am too hard on myself.  30 years later in so many words he said the same thing.  I’m still not sure the reason why he is back in my life but I am open to finding out.  This time come hell or high water I am determined to hold space for this.

This year also manifested good people who completely had my back. Dottie, Lot and Mae.  They made me push the envelope where my hang ups and inhibitions were concerned, never once judging me. Each of them bringing a ray of excitement, encouragement and happiness to my life. I became more judicious about the things I allowed in my life and the things that I wouldn’t tolerate.

It is true what they say about time.  Only time can tell. We often spend so much time wondering about time. When will it be time etc.  The lesson I learned is that time is time. I often had to be reminded by these women how far I came in such little time. You must want change in order to change. Desire is a strong catalyst.  And so is faith.  I restored my faith. No matter how short or long the wait what’s meant for you will come in.  That you are in control of standing by your truth no matter what the other person is doing or thinking.  Once I learned that, I realized it will all be ok.

I believe that 2023 is going to be another amazing year.  Someone told me I am making space for more things to come into my life. You cannot bring in the new if you don’t release the old.  I end the year with the greatest of gratitude for the experiences and people that shared this year with me.  2023- let’s do this!

Today I was writing Christmas cards and when I got to your name I had a bittersweet reaction.  I paused and smiled and then thought first Christmas that you are not here. No holiday email in all CAPS like you used to send. I can’t believe in 13 days it will be 1 year since you left our physical world. I am listening to Stanley Black as I write this. 

Words cannot begin to describe the blessings that you brought to me this year. I may not have anything tangible in my hands to show but I have a lighter heart. I know this because on days when things don’t work the way I wished there is a feeling I get that I know it doesn’t matter because I am going to be alright. While I deal with the disappointment at hand, I don’t feel exasperated, willing the outcome to be something else. I stand still and say it’s a redirection. “Not for you, Emma!”

Last year time like this was a tough one. When I remember the last few weeks of December watching you transition, I could not only think how deep our connection has been over the years. I didn’t agree with you, nor like the way you treated some people who helped you. But I refuse to let those instances mar the spiritual connection that we seemed to have with one another.

I will always remember the unspoken communication we had as I looked at your eyes when I visited. On the last night, I know you wanted to tell me something. I thought you were in distress so I told you to remain calm. I knew you knew you were leaving which is why I stayed longer. One day you will tell me.

I know this will sound weird.  I feel like pretty soon you will be taking more of an advisory approach. This year you walked along beside me but I feel like one day soon you are going to say to me “you got this. I will watch over you”. I think that time is coming soon as I feel my confidence getting stronger. Thank you for this wonderful year of healing and discovery.

By the way I know you are here tonight. It wasn’t funny that you held my keyboard hostage and made me take longer to put these thoughts down with all the backspacing and corrections I had to make.

Godspeed..

Today I had a fun filled day with my cousin. He asked me if I thought love is blind and has me hooked to this Netflix show named the same thing. We made my aunt watch and she thought we were crazy lol 

My cousin and I had an interesting conversation. He explained the concept of the show to me. Do I believe you could love someone without meeting them? My aunt right away said for her she would need to see the person. Having gone through the experiences of late, I looked at him and said I do believe you can have a connection with someone who you haven’t met. Right now my situation is a little different in that I question can you love someone romantically without having a full fledge relationship. My cousin looked at me so intuitively as to say I hear you.

So while I do believe it is possible to form a connection with someone without seeing them and even possibly falling in love, I don’t think we can neatly put the love is blind into a nice consumable box. When looking up the definition this concept is described as loving someone that you can’t see their faults. Isn’t that loving unconditionally? Where no matter what, you love them despite their faults?

Or perhaps in less healthier situations one can argue that you “love” a person despite their faults because it is rooted in how you self love. I think at some point in our lives we all have been stuck in this space. You accept this low vibration because you are low vibration. My hope for you is that you feel strong enough to realize that this situation is not unconditional love.

I recently told my friend that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced unconditional love except with the kids. It is a concept I’d love to experience.. Here’s to my 11/11 wish. That we all experience happiness and love so pure and great that matches how we should see ourselves. More importantly that we treat ourselves at the highest level with the purest of love to allow for this unconditional love to arrive.

I’m going through a midlife something. I wouldn’t say crisis although by the end of this one might say I am lol. Lately, I find I’m feeling a sense of regret on some things I could have made better decisions on. 

The most important one the keeps resurfacing is I wished I moved away when I was younger. Right now I feel like I am going through a rebellious stage where I am trying to make up for lost time. Instead I stayed close to home, stayed in bad relationships and lived/interacted with chaotic people. I am now tired of being in this place. Wishing I went out there and explored what life had to offer.

Aside from purging stuff from my apartment, I am in need of purging people who live a co dependent cluttered lifestyle. My mind screams when I visit people who live this way. I feel like going in hermit mode to avoid these people, places and things.

I feel like I am aging as I help the aged people in my village. What is concerning is that their co dependency limits them. I was thinking today how lucky am I that I am not co dependent anymore. 

I don’t know if it is a combination of the transformation that took place with me recently and/or the fact that holiday season is upon us and I get antsy about all the togetherness that is upon us that makes me feel this way. But lately I am craving more time away from this village. I want to be able to get up and just go and see where this road takes me. 

“Did someone else pack your luggage?” “Are there any hazardous materials packed?” These are the questions that are asked when you are checking luggage. For those that are lucky not to have carry ons, you walk onto the plane free as a bird.  It is a good feeling. You can stop at the magazine counter, grab some reading materials, a snack and be on your way.

For the most part we know we pack those bags with good intentions and keep within the weight limit to get on the plane and “soar”. So, for the emotional baggage we carry, why is it that we don’t apply those same good intentions?  Instead, we let other people pack our luggage and pile on way too much hazardous emotions over the weight limit. And then we ourselves add more onto that.

My “luggage” was so heavy that I had to pack and re-pack and ultimately unpack what I did not need for this next trip I am going to take.  My next chapter.  It has taken me decades to realize those items won’t serve me where I am going. Once I came to this epiphany, I started to feel the weight lift and suddenly the calmness that fell over me was oddly scary.  You know how sometimes you will yourself to cry but it doesn’t come?  Well, I was willing myself to feel anxiety thinking it was around the corner waiting to rear its ugly head.  Nope.  The calmness started to expand. It was then I realized that I surrendered. I let go. 

I let go of the self-inflicted wounds I placed on myself. The thoughts of me being a bad person if I didn’t please someone. These things I struggled with for so many years.  I attempted to put my best foot forward every time only to feel “safe” in my current thought environment.  Just when it didn’t feel safe, I made a u-turn saying “no let’s go back to what you know”.  Even though it hurts, you know what you have.  This time I kept moving through it. There were times I could scream. Times that I cried and other times where I just couldn’t speak. I can’t imagine going back to those times.

The past few days I’ve become more comfortable in the calmness of it all.  It is because I finally trust myself to maintain my authenticity.  I’ll make mistakes along the way but I have awareness now. I’m excited for my new chapter. No one packs my “bags” now but me.  I happily checked my necessities and am walking onto the “plane” free as a bird. No pun intended.

There are various forms of emancipation. Some of us go through physical emancipation from people, places and things. Others on the emotional level.  A few days ago marked the 18^th anniversary of my divorce.  It is the one day I remember best and claim as my Emancipation Day. “Best day of my life” so far I keep saying.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in a fulfilling or committed relationship, just not with my ex.

As much as I relish this form of emancipation, I’ve come to the realization that it is only now that I am on my way to achieving mental emancipation from my thoughts and values regarding past issues. This in my opinion was the hardest to arrive to and the past few weeks have been mental and emotional hell. It is like my soul is so restless, I literally want to run until it all leaves my mind.

My values have imprisoned me from being courageous, being free, living etc.  I have become more of a spectator watching from the sidelines. These past few weeks I’ve struggled more than I have in the last 18 years.  I realized these values were more about what I thought people would think of me if I did XYZ.  Recently when the potential of something good presented, I had to do some mental work very quickly to cut through my self-imposed value system. I am not sure if this work happened in time, but I do feel like I am on my way to being mentally emancipated. And it feels so good.  Don’t get me wrong I still have values, but I am trying to be less harsh on myself.

Everything happens with time.  How soon or not can’t be predicted. It is a feeling you get inside when you are fed up and want more.  So far I’ve worked through my mental emancipation to know what I bring to the table both good and bad and know what I want. I also won’t spend time trying to prove to people that I am good enough.  I also won’t chase what is not meant for me and learn to accept any delays means its God’s way of redirecting. Most importantly, I am learning to live in the now.  Not every day may be a smooth day but I am more self aware of that feeling when I’m getting ready to self sabotage where I need to check in with myself.

If I am too late this time, the good thing is I will be ready when something new presents itself. Someone told me today I am authentic despite everything. So this is the direction I will be moving in. Maintaining my authenticity.

Dear Jack,

                This past week my soul has been restless. I know we were supposed to meet but you became unavailable. I can’t explain why we were so looking forward to this and then in the end we didn’t. I noticed your shift in tone towards me.  Not sure why. I wish I could tell you what you see as rejection is not. We have such busy schedules it is almost comical that even this date that was supposed to happen was planned two weeks in advance.

                I miss your sweet and endearing messages to me. It has been hard to go through this uncomfortable silence.  I want you to know that I am thankful that you came back into my life. I don’t know the purpose right now but this has caused for some emotions to resurface.  And yes I know I have appeared cautious. I know you are scared and I am too.  

                I wish that I could tell you of the positive changes that I made because of you coming back into my life. I feel like I am living again. Feelings that were buried deep are awaken.  Feelings that I want to explore with you. I want to show you the best of me.

                I don’t know what the outcome will be but I am ready to take a chance.  I hope you are too.

Yours,

Emma