This Thing Called Time

  • Goldie

    Dear Emma, aka Badass

    Today is the last day of your 49th year. This was my wish for you one year ago:

    “Tomorrow is your birthday, Emma, and my wish for you is that you live freely in your heart and soul. That you go on those adventures you always wanted to and do what you want to do. Promise me that this time next year, you would have unequivocally say no to all the things that you don’t want to do or that are not meant for you. When you wake up tomorrow, take a deep breath, and love the fact that your new year begins and that you are spending the day with you and only you. Just what you always wanted. Don’t feel bad that you told the others no. It is your birthday…

    My other wish for you is that the road to health, love, and abundance opens for you. Don’t be afraid to take the turn, your compass will always guide you. I also wish for you courage. Just do it. Don’t look back.

    Time like this next year, when we meet up you will be even more beautiful because you will be living your best abundant life with your own little family, the love of your life and a great career. When I see you next year on your birthday during the Christmas markets somewhere in Europe, I’ll be the one with the biggest smile waiting to greet you.. “

    This year was a busy one. It was also a year of expansion and pushing the envelope in the quest to be as authentic as you could be. You fought hard for that, and you NAILED it! You also loved unconditionally.  This morning when you woke up a different feeling came over you. It wasn’t sad or overly excitable, but it was balanced. You took today just for you and did what you wanted without any regret, explanation or apology. 

    Life has detours but you end up where you are meant to be, nevertheless, along the way you are doing you and feeling that balance.  So maybe this year I won’t see you in Europe at the Christmas markets. But I will see you in the city that never sleeps watching you enjoy the Christmas fare of NYC. Maybe I will get to see magic happen for you while you are looking at the moon.

    As you enter your 50th year, my wish for you is the most fantabulous year ever. Go all in and bet on yourself 100%. Double down if you must! I truly loved watching you grow this year; I loved how you achieved balance and the fact that you don’t apologize as much as you do. I know this time next year, your cup runneth over and you will have to pinch yourself.

    Happy 50th Birthday, Emma! I love you, girl!

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  • Sarge

    I was accused the other day of keeping a secret. LOL.  Apparently one of the sweetest times in my life didn’t get the press it deserved. This friendship was forged almost 32 years ago based on mutual respect, love and hysterical hurt your belly laughs. I met the Sarge when I started a part time job at a clinic during my college years. While I was a dear eyed doe, he was elderly. 9 years older. Ha!

    The road hasn’t always been a smooth one, but Sarge is one of those people that no matter the distance or the time, you can’t help but smile and think positive good things. The kind where I’d like to think you pick up just where you left off. That’s just who he is.  So here goes a little ditty about Lola and Sarge.

    The bond between Sarge and I formed while talking about life as we tossed a frisbee in the hallway when the clinic closed on the weekend. That was back when there weren’t cameras. He also had hair back then- although he looks so much better bald. There was always an underlying unsaid attraction between the two of us. Almost forbidden.

    He was a grown man with adult responsibilities. I remember one time he drove me home. I honestly don’t know what made me trust him. Maybe it was the eyes. The sincerity I saw in them.  He soldiered through my college crushes and obsessions. I think the first pang of jealousy hit when he introduced me to his  girlfriend “T” at the time.  With such pride and ego, “I’d like you to meet my girlfriend.” Well… That was the beginning of an almost 10-year separation.

    When the dust was settling with my divorce, I bumped into Sarge in the lobby of one of the office locations. I can’t begin to tell you about the excitement and unabashed happiness we had when we saw each other. We ran over to one another and gave each other a big hug. Ok. Pause. This is one memory I’d like to lock into perpetuity.  It was so carefree and easy to fall back into friendship with him. We talked everyday several times a day. So much so that it became a dependency. There was one time where I grew too dependent on the daily check in calls, beeper messages etc and he didn’t “check in”. At the time we were not romantically involved yet I felt a sort of a way. When he managed time, he called me and profusely apologized. I of course acted as if nothing and told me he didn’t owe me an explanation. He said he knew but he wanted to. Apparently “T” got into a bit of trouble, and she called him to help her out. He also told me he told her about me and how he was focused on his “relationship” with me. No man has ever done that for me with such conviction.

    I was going through a turbulent time in my life, and he was the calm on the stormiest of days. That is just how he is. Calm.  I always admired that about him. He was my biggest cheerleader. “Go for it!” he always said to me. Our relationship became deeper. Despite the fights I had with myself admitting this, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with the way he held me when he kissed me. The way he would make me laugh. The way his voice got deep when he was trying to get to me or tell me he loved my scent. The way he indulged me in my playful side. The way he said with certainty that I was going to be his wife one day.

    As things got more serious, I became inconsistent. I broke his heart because of my inability to commit to him and our love. He had to move on.  He rightfully asked me to leave him alone. It has been about 19 years since I last saw or spoke to him. I found his manuscript he entrusted me with the other day. When he asked me to read it, he told me I was the only one at the time he trusts. “You’re my muse” he said. I recently found him on social media, and I reached out to him to let him know how inspirational he is to me and to offer him his baby(original manuscript). I haven’t heard back from him. If I ever have the chance to see him I would let him know how sorry I am for what happened but to also let him know that what we had, limited as it was or short lived, was real.

    The other night I dreamt we were at an outdoor type of eating place. There was an older man who seemed to be like an advisor/therapist.  I remember being asked about Sarge and I told the man that he is a kind man, always there for you, he can be a cheerleader, comedian. All around good person. I then referred to the fact that he may be in a relationship.

    When I looked over at Sarge he was crying. He said no he had told the person he was involved with that he couldn’t continue. He said he told her that after I contacted him. He said how he hasn’t gotten over us. He was crying so I got up and sat on his lap and gave him a hug. I hope the Sarge felt that telepathically. Now call me so we can get this podcast thing up and running. He is probably the only one that could align with me on things in that space.  We got that synergy.

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  • The Best Days of My Life

    I just purchased my solo ticket to see Bryan Adams with Pat Benatar in October. I hemmed and hawed on this one.  Do I buy two tickets and sell one last minute if I don’t find someone to go with?  Usually, I go to concerts with someone but this time I bought one ticket. It was the only seat left in the section I was looking at. Sure, I could have searched for another section where there were more seats, but I am thinking this seat was meant for me.  I think when I remember the lady who sat next to me at The Eagles Farewell Tour. She was happy and singing next to me just by herself. That is when I clicked on purchase.

    As with every concert I go to, I pregame well in advance with my playlist. Today was no exception. “Summer of 69” came on and while singing my heart out I came to a stop when the lyric “those were the best days of my life” played.  It made me stop and think, if I were singing this song, what would be the best days of my life? Did they come and go? What if I said I don’t think I fully experienced that yet?  Maybe I have had snippets of times where I felt so at ease. Could those count? I don’t think so.

    This thought took me further down the rabbit hole. I wondered what the best days of my parents’ life were. Like if you really asked people as they were getting older to think back without fear of hurting anyone. Maybe their best days weren’t when we were growing up. Maybe it was before we were here?

    Back to me. I’ve had some good days- but best days? I am not sure. I hope they are ahead of me.

    If I were older and telling stories and someone asked me about the time when… Made me realize I must go out there and make some best days, so I have stories to tell.  So, as I end this thought another song came into my head..

    “These are the days I will remember.  These are the faces I want close. If everything changes and we’re not together.  These days I will remember.  These days I will remember. Sometimes you know it’s time to go. But you just wanna hold on, hold on. Sometimes you know it’s time to go. But you just wanna hold on, hold on Hold on..” – Tyrone Wells

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  • Unconditional

    I always knew my love for you was unconditional. Even when I thought I knew what unconditional was, I learned another aspect of that. I was sitting at my dining table and found myself talking to myself as if I was talking to one of my girlfriends when it hit me. You are the one. My person. As I literally said “holy shit” out loud, I think I had to hear myself say “you’re the one”. The one that no matter what you do, where or who you end up with- that’s the one that you love unconditionally. You will be always be the one that when I think of you, I will always smile. You’ll always be that 18 year old guy that walked into the classroom, said something badass that made me chuckle. 32 years later although we have gotten older, I still see that 18 year guy.

    I was telling “our story” to someone today and I wasn’t expecting to tear up but I did. It wasn’t even a sad feeling but as I was telling the story I could feel myself smile. Despite our coming and goings, we have one of those stories that is untainted. Our timing might be always off but our story doesn’t consist of jealousy, dishonesty or disrespect.  The times that we are together, you let me be me.  Is that what they call “home”?  It kind of comes pretty close when you think of how you feel when you are in a safe familiar place.

    I’ve read/heard this verse many times at weddings, but this is us.

    “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

    1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    There you have it. Unconditional.

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  • Shadows

    Dear Emma,

    On the last day of your 48th year I want you to know you kicked the living shit out of this year with all that you had to endure. When you thought it was safe to breathe and just try to sink into your skin, you were forced to face your shadows. You thought as you were embracing your soft girl era that you were on your way. Little did you know the things that triggered you for the last 25 years re-surfaced.

    Today when I think back to all you went through, Emma, as a little girl and I remembered decade by decade, I can’t lie I teared up for you. My soul hurts for you. I remember glimpses of a little girl who was always strong willed and whose light was too bright for the average person including her family. All the times they tried to dim the light of your personality. All the times you wanted to be accepted by your own kin only to have them ridicule you, tell you how you should be-even up to the other day. Even after you practically bent over backward to save their lives these past few months.

    It wasn’t a wonder that you wanted to escape from that place and that you made decisions thinking those decisions would remove you from there. Emma, I wish I knew you back then to tell you to leave and never look back and that you made it. You put yourself through so much to be accepted, to keep peace and to be loved.

    You don’t need to do this anymore. I am so sorry that the most formative and impactful years of your life was spent this way. When I think back to your 20s and even 30s, I wished you enjoyed them with a freeness in your heart but more importantly I wished that you had the courage to know that you made it out to the other end. Don’t be upset for too much longer. You had a lot of catching up to do and you did. I am so proud of you.

    Tomorrow is your birthday, Emma, and my wish for you is that you live freely in your heart and soul. That you go on those adventures you always wanted to and do what you want to do. Promise me that this time next year, you would have unequivocally say no to all the things that you don’t want to do or that are not meant for you. When you wake up tomorrow, take a deep breath, and love the fact that your new year begins and that you are spending the day with you and only you. Just what you always wanted. Don’t feel bad that you told the others no. It is your birthday…

    My other wish for you is that the road to health, love, and abundance opens for you. Don’t be afraid to take the turn, your compass will always guide you. I also wish for you courage. Just do it. Don’t look back.

    Time like this next year, when we meet up you will be even more beautiful because you will be living your best abundant life with your own little family, the love of your life and a great career. When I see you next year on your birthday during the Christmas markets somewhere in Europe, I’ll be the one with the biggest smile waiting to greet you..

    With Love,

    49 Year Old Emma aka Badass

  • Ungratefulness

    I spent the majority of this blog discussing gratitude, resonance, unconditionality, and authenticity. I’d be remiss if I ever stopped talking about those things and the lessons I learned over the past few years. I guess when you have worked so hard to break the generational trauma you have endured for decades, it is much easier to spot ungratefulness and call it out.

    I often wondered about the core values of people who were given a second chance by the grace of God only to piss it all away and not learn the lesson that is meant for you. I recently encountered someone who changed the trajectory of my life forever and not in the way that you think.

    I have to thank this person for the ungratefulness that they have showed me in the most vulnerable times of their life. The fact that they were given a second chance only to nail this level of ungratefulness is a true testament of their character or rather lack there of. It is clear to me that they are jealous of me, that they need to find God and learn humility. I for one will forever be grateful to know God and despite my imperfections at the end of the day I travel with true intentions. It must be quite the suffering they are enduring trapped in a mental prison. They will never know what it is to be pure of heart or attain peace of mind. Godspeed…

  • YOU ARE ENOUGH

    I just love these soulful conversations with my dear friend, M. Tonight we talked about a post that resonated with me about monogamy. I will preface that my comments are strictly my own and not judging anyone who doesn’t subscribe to it. Francesco Amati(IG handle @mystic.mentor) posted that “when you awaken to who you truly are and committed to the depths of you-mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually that you have experienced your wholeness. It doesn’t make sense to desire more than one person. That you aren’t fulfilled with being you and that you need more beyond yourself to experience wholeness.” I could not agree more.

    As M and I were talking, I told her I recalled telling Bubba(ex) when he met the one for him, he would change. Not necessarily change for the other person but for himself. How he would want to be his best self and that change he makes is more for himself so that he can align with the other person. I think when you meet the one that you choose , they hold the mirror up like Jack did for me. I never cared what people thought of me but with Jack I do. When around him, he inspires me to be my best self.

    If I could tell him, it would be for me, he is enough. He doesn’t have to be anything or anyone more than what he is today other than he should give himself a break. I told M that I hope one day he has someone who loves him for just him and who makes him feel safe and he in turn feels whole.  M reminded me “he does, you love him.” I do..  Why? Because what’s not to love about him. He is far more than enough..

  • Recovery Time

    I don’t know if I will ever get to tell Jack how I feel about him, but I had a very emotional moment earlier today where I found myself talking to him as if he were right in front of me. I told him that every night I pray that the next day ends our silence and that we speak to one another. Even if the outcome is not to be together, I always pray for his peace of mind and that he feels love wherever he goes. I went into this eyes wide open and have no regrets but still searching for the lesson in this story. I can’t lie I hurt-just didn’t expect it would feel that way.

    In between this post, I was talking to an exceptionally good friend of mine. She asked me 10 years from now what I would tell myself as it relates to this experience. My 59-year-old self would say I am proud of you.  You wished him back into your life and he came back as a gift.  The chance you took, knowing that the outcome you wanted may not happen, yet you opened and dived in with your heart, showing your vulnerability and trusting him with your being.  That took a lot, Emma. That is part of the gift.  To be authentic and put your heart into it, even though you may not get what you want.

    My friend asked me when was the last time I opened my heart and trusted someone to show my vulnerability. 24 years ago. But this time is different.  The emotions I feel are more pure, less dramatic. So as I am working through this with my friend, the lesson unfolds right before my very own eyes.

  • Gratitude

    Often time, I get caught up on outcomes or fear of the unknown. I caught myself doing that today. It is so true that when you ask the universe for something, you eventually will receive it. I spent two years “rejecting” the very thing I had asked for. Why? Fear.. And in some ways absurd fear.

    Today, I am grateful that I received Jack back into my life. What is unfolding is the most sweet and beautiful story of unconditional everything and with a great sense of ease. Friendship, acceptance, trust, holding space, consideration, and reciprocity. You hear the cliché about deserving a love that is calm and someone you feel safe with.  Many times I thought it was a myth but that ease does exist. The feeling that someone fully accepts you for who you are, look and feel. Maybe that is one of the lessons that Jack is here to teach me and maybe I am his soft spot to land.

    A good friend brought up tonight about the possibility of this happening when we were younger and I said no because I wasn’t the person I am today. I didn’t like the person I was 20 yrs ago and we probably would have made a mess of things and ended up hating each other and I could never have any negative vibes between us.

    If I could tell Jack anything tonight it would be thank you for being in my life, for showing me unconditional everything, respect, friendship and memories to last a lifetime. I love you…

  • Holding Space

    This has taken me a few days to put thoughts to paper while trying to process. Last week as I was getting ready to go out, Jack reached out to me to see how I was doing after many moons of not communicating. Out of sight and out of mind. It was working but I can’t lie my heart did a little lurch when I received the text last week, but I remained grounded. We exchanged a few banter texts. Hmmm #1. He was in Portugal when he reached out.  Hmmm #2.  This was after I took the step to delete our texts from last year. I said “Really, God?!”

    When he got home he asked me what was I up to.. We exchanged a few more texts before the real purpose revealed itself. He was looking to “connect”.  He told me how he liked me since forever. I confirmed that he was still in his open situation.  I told him let us just remain platonic friends, that way things between us don’t get weird, but if his situation changes to call me.  He said that his situation is unlikely to change anytime soon. Stab #1..  I ended our text with a simple “That is ok. Wasn’t our time”. He said he understood and blew me a kiss.

    An hour or so later, I said fuck this shit. After his proposition I feel like we established a sense of directness with each other. I mean he wants to be in my crawl space and all, I need to ask.  As cavalier as he appears about this, this is not Jack.   I told him I was not judging him but asked if it doesn’t get overwhelming or tiring to be in an open relationship after a period and what makes it so appealing.  It was when he answered I realized how hurt he still is from the demise of his marriage, whatever led to it, the experience both during and after his divorce.  He did not have to tell me this, but I’ve learned to listen to how Jack says things and what he doesn’t say.

    He qualified that his current situation allows him stability without restrictions. How one can play house while playing outside of the house.  How this was an outlet.  At the risk of sounding Pollyana-ish and nonjudgmental, I said that he didn’t find THE ONE. How I maintain hope even as I grow old that one day I get to be with the one that was meant for me. He said while he sympathizes with my preferences, he has experienced the sadder side of things. He said he likes to keep things light and fluffy. Jack was looking for a naughty conversation that night and when he said I wasn’t appearing frisky I told him it was just not our time. He ended with fair enough.

    The old me would have gotten mad at him for reaching out and bringing this low vibration energy to me. I took a step back.  Jack is struggling. He doesn’t want to be alone, but he wants a world without restrictions. Yet his mind is of restrictions as he imposes restrictions on others and inadvertently on himself. How ironic is that? In his physical world he is living without restrictions but emotionally he has restricted himself from finding love again. I even started to think maybe he does love his girlfriend? Who am I to judge? But here’s the thing. Our conversation last week reminded me of all those times we were in the library meeting up to study only we ended up talking. Jack was Jack. He needed that interaction. This situation may seem safe for Jack but that is not Jack. 

    He has a dark side as everyone does but when he feels attacked or taken advantage of then the mask comes on. I told Jack I hope one day he meets someone really great. It killed me that I chose not to engage in his proposition, but I don’t feel like we are aligned in our wants and needs.  Isn’t it fucked up that after all these years we are not married to other people and technically single, yet we aren’t together? I don’t know where or who I will end up with but I want to be able to experience love without restrictions. Free to do whatever, wherever, whenever. Watch the sunrise and the moonlight without being an outlet.

    Jack, I wish you knew you are the best planner, funny, wiseass, badass, attentive, caring and loving guy.  I’ll always be rooting for you and continue to pray for your wellbeing and happiness. I pray that one day you will find a deserving love that aligns with your authenticity, truth, wants and beliefs where love has no restrictions.  When you find that love where you can stand in your true self and mirror the person who matches you authentically and that love is unrestricted.  Someone who you really love and hold a space for as they do for you.