This has taken me a few days to put thoughts to paper while trying to process. Last week as I was getting ready to go out, Jack reached out to me to see how I was doing after many moons of not communicating. Out of sight and out of mind. It was working but I can’t lie my heart did a little lurch when I received the text last week, but I remained grounded. We exchanged a few banter texts. Hmmm #1. He was in Portugal when he reached out.  Hmmm #2.  This was after I took the step to delete our texts from last year. I said “Really, God?!”

When he got home he asked me what was I up to.. We exchanged a few more texts before the real purpose revealed itself. He was looking to “connect”.  He told me how he liked me since forever. I confirmed that he was still in his open situation.  I told him let us just remain platonic friends, that way things between us don’t get weird, but if his situation changes to call me.  He said that his situation is unlikely to change anytime soon. Stab #1..  I ended our text with a simple “That is ok. Wasn’t our time”. He said he understood and blew me a kiss.

An hour or so later, I said fuck this shit. After his proposition I feel like we established a sense of directness with each other. I mean he wants to be in my crawl space and all, I need to ask.  As cavalier as he appears about this, this is not Jack.   I told him I was not judging him but asked if it doesn’t get overwhelming or tiring to be in an open relationship after a period and what makes it so appealing.  It was when he answered I realized how hurt he still is from the demise of his marriage, whatever led to it, the experience both during and after his divorce.  He did not have to tell me this, but I’ve learned to listen to how Jack says things and what he doesn’t say.

He qualified that his current situation allows him stability without restrictions. How one can play house while playing outside of the house.  How this was an outlet.  At the risk of sounding Pollyana-ish and nonjudgmental, I said that he didn’t find THE ONE. How I maintain hope even as I grow old that one day I get to be with the one that was meant for me. He said while he sympathizes with my preferences, he has experienced the sadder side of things. He said he likes to keep things light and fluffy. Jack was looking for a naughty conversation that night and when he said I wasn’t appearing frisky I told him it was just not our time. He ended with fair enough.

The old me would have gotten mad at him for reaching out and bringing this low vibration energy to me. I took a step back.  Jack is struggling. He doesn’t want to be alone, but he wants a world without restrictions. Yet his mind is of restrictions as he imposes restrictions on others and inadvertently on himself. How ironic is that? In his physical world he is living without restrictions but emotionally he has restricted himself from finding love again. I even started to think maybe he does love his girlfriend? Who am I to judge? But here’s the thing. Our conversation last week reminded me of all those times we were in the library meeting up to study only we ended up talking. Jack was Jack. He needed that interaction. This situation may seem safe for Jack but that is not Jack. 

He has a dark side as everyone does but when he feels attacked or taken advantage of then the mask comes on. I told Jack I hope one day he meets someone really great. It killed me that I chose not to engage in his proposition, but I don’t feel like we are aligned in our wants and needs.  Isn’t it fucked up that after all these years we are not married to other people and technically single, yet we aren’t together? I don’t know where or who I will end up with but I want to be able to experience love without restrictions. Free to do whatever, wherever, whenever. Watch the sunrise and the moonlight without being an outlet.

Jack, I wish you knew you are the best planner, funny, wiseass, badass, attentive, caring and loving guy.  I’ll always be rooting for you and continue to pray for your wellbeing and happiness. I pray that one day you will find a deserving love that aligns with your authenticity, truth, wants and beliefs where love has no restrictions.  When you find that love where you can stand in your true self and mirror the person who matches you authentically and that love is unrestricted.  Someone who you really love and hold a space for as they do for you.