Ten years ago if you told me that I wouldn’t be over Bubba, I’d say you were lying.  I mean we went to hell and back and back to hell.  He went on to another relationship. And yet 10 years later he is still in the same place he was. I don’t mean stature wise but emotionally and mentally. I was blamed for the failure of our relationship. I stressed him out, caused his issues etc.  Now that he is with Flo, she too feels he is a handful.  I didn’t expect it or want it. I mean after all these years, I am in a better place. But he apologized. I did too for not being what he needed or for being my best.

                He seems to have found an old long lost best friend and I seem to have met an annoying in a funny way neighbor.  His excitement in this made me chuckle. I found towards the end of the catch up conversation that I was yawning.  At that moment, I realized that I had outgrown him.  All these years I held onto to what I thought was some form of a model that I was looking for or to compare to. I think I made myself a martyr over this. Yet now I am his model he compares to when it comes to Flo.

                Someone told me to open my heart today and I woke up with a conscious effort to do so. As I sat in a meeting, I also realized that I wasn’t focused to the outcome of my work situation. I feel that some things are not within my control but what I can control is how I prepare myself for what’s next. Recognizing when I no longer fit at the table, taking a leap of faith, being authentic.

                10 years ago feels very small, very dark.  Today feels great though..