Today I was writing Christmas cards and when I got to your name I had a bittersweet reaction.  I paused and smiled and then thought first Christmas that you are not here. No holiday email in all CAPS like you used to send. I can’t believe in 13 days it will be 1 year since you left our physical world. I am listening to Stanley Black as I write this. 

Words cannot begin to describe the blessings that you brought to me this year. I may not have anything tangible in my hands to show but I have a lighter heart. I know this because on days when things don’t work the way I wished there is a feeling I get that I know it doesn’t matter because I am going to be alright. While I deal with the disappointment at hand, I don’t feel exasperated, willing the outcome to be something else. I stand still and say it’s a redirection. “Not for you, Emma!”

Last year time like this was a tough one. When I remember the last few weeks of December watching you transition, I could not only think how deep our connection has been over the years. I didn’t agree with you, nor like the way you treated some people who helped you. But I refuse to let those instances mar the spiritual connection that we seemed to have with one another.

I will always remember the unspoken communication we had as I looked at your eyes when I visited. On the last night, I know you wanted to tell me something. I thought you were in distress so I told you to remain calm. I knew you knew you were leaving which is why I stayed longer. One day you will tell me.

I know this will sound weird.  I feel like pretty soon you will be taking more of an advisory approach. This year you walked along beside me but I feel like one day soon you are going to say to me “you got this. I will watch over you”. I think that time is coming soon as I feel my confidence getting stronger. Thank you for this wonderful year of healing and discovery.

By the way I know you are here tonight. It wasn’t funny that you held my keyboard hostage and made me take longer to put these thoughts down with all the backspacing and corrections I had to make.

Godspeed..